do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
