When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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