Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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