The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
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Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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