I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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