Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
