I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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