guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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