Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize