I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
