Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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