shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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