From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
