you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
