By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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