It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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