And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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