every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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