My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
