She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I believe in your delicious
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
