omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
