Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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