how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
