I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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