I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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