He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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