New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
