I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need a beard to bite.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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