During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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