i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I will be naked everywhere
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
