I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
