jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
