My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
