By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
