Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
