Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
