God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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