Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
