Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
