12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
