I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I queefed so loud it echoed.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
