Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
