is your mom at the bar?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
