I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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