But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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