I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
wow bdsm is so cute
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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