I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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