i just sent this text using only my big toe
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
