I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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