It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I am one with the molecules
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
