they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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