she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
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ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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