Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
pray to the hookup gods
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
