i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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