When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
