I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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