why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
